January 2019

I’m sitting in a uncomfortable chair. Chin jutting forward towards the screen of this computer. Crossing and uncrossing my legs.

But it’s not just the chair it’s me. I have shifted somehow and feel uncomfortable in myself.

It’s not the first time I have felt like this.

It’s the age old question. But who am I meant to be? What am I meant to do?

I feel I am stumbling purposely from one thing to the next. Nothing really seeming to fit.

Or maybe I am stopping things from fitting. Resisting stability. I am only 26, does it really matter this unsettled feeling?

Yes, because I am feeling it. I have read what others have written expressing similar sentiments. Feeling lost, un-tethered and porous like a sick amoeba.

I adjust the way I am sitting, back straighter, pelvis tucked. Little to no difference. Ugh.

Last week and over the Christmas break I threw myself into yoga and swimming, peppered with a little rowing and running. If I felt uncomfortable I just moved. Moved away from the feeling. Was I running away?

My first week back at work and back in London was really hard. Walking up a slow steady incline with a cart laden with heavy books and a dodgy front wheel. Hauling myself into the new year.

Heartbreak is indeed a slow burner. It has been around 6 months now and still flares up burning in my head and chest. An ice cold heat. Rejection. It takes quite a bit of my energy (and some from friends and relations) to keep on stomping in my stomping boots.

When obsessive thoughts kick in it can drain away the work I have done to ‘heal myself’. What did I do? What’s wrong with me? Was it my anxiety? Was it my body? Am I disgusting? Does he think I am disgusting now? I start to believe my negative answers to these questions and tirelessly seek reassurance from my close friends and mother.

I start to feel that I must be a tiresome friend. I start to see weary expressions on their faces. Projections of how I feel about myself.

Ignoring these thoughts and suspicions I continue trundling up the slow and steady incline.

I don’t know when I will reach the top.  I will that there is a plateau just around the corner or maybe I will find a floor pump to pump up that dodgy wheel.

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